[She's unsure what to say about it either - it's a sore subject with her for many reasons - reasons that have resurfaced, apparently, and are making her lineface in new ways. So she's happy to skip that subject in favor of-----
----oh. Hrm. Not that she'd expected Isley to keep confidence with this. No promises had been made, after all.]
[Alright, then. If she cannot be honest with Priscilla then there's no point. So she'll just start spilling. Might make things better, might not.]
It isn't that I want to die. And if my offer had been accepted, you may have thought I'd merely vanished into the Mist. It was not my intent that you find out.
If it meant that he would be less driven to possible kill others, especially those in this city who have no hope of ...wandering out of the Mist more or less the same? It would be worth the risk. I have memories I would rather not lose, but the loss of them wouldn't put anyone in danger.
[She trails her gaze back toward Priscilla as she begins to emit what could fast be approaching fox frequency.]
What if he had reconsidered? Taken you up on your offer and you found yourself ...here anew with no memory of any of those closest to you that have already pulled you back from...
[She doesn't want to say it. But fuck it - that helps no one.]
I've managed to come this far without awakening, despite arriving here with no knowledge of this place or the people in it. I even faced Teresa a second time and came out intact.
I'm sure I could manage it again.
[She watches Irene's face, her gaze rather intense]
But it doesn't matter. Even if he accepted my offer, he would never kill me. He'd never hurt me. That's why I chose that promise to begin with.
I'm not that selfless, Irene. I wouldn't ask him to hurt me if I thought there was any chance that he would.
[...]
That was the only time he's ever refused me anything.
[There's some brainbreakage in that statement. Her eyes lower just a bit at He would never hurt me.]
You're far stronger than I ever gave you credit for, and it's not that I doubt your...
[sigh]
...Priscilla..
[What's left of linefacing halts, and her features realign themselves to caution - fearful concern.]
I am sorry. I ...do not know, myself. What to believe. If he's somehow blinded you to his nature? If these [wince] feelings for you - feelings that you return...
...somehow truly color his actions. I can't pretend to like it, and this is not easy for me to stand by and [urge to hit something rising] remain helpless. There is nothing I can do for you in this situation.
[She's quiet a moment. Blinks.]
I should just stand by, though. Stand back. Trust your judgment. I paint myself a hypocrite if I do not.
[Priscilla goes quiet for a moment, head lowered a little, her hair in her eyes. And when she speaks again, her voice is softer, and a little shaky. She doesn't raise her head.]
I'm not blind. I'm not sure why you'd think I am. It's not as though I don't know what an awakened being is.
Yes. I was... naive about him. For a little while. I thought maybe the Organization lied to us about him, like they lied about everything else, and I don't think that it was wrong, or... stupid to think that. To give him a chance, like I gave the other two. Because if they lied about so many things, how do we know where it stops unless we find out for ourselves?
So. I was naive. I know. But I do know better, now. I know what he is... or at least I have some idea. And I've thought about these things a lot, too, and all the things he says he feels, and all the things he promises.
Like how just because he says it doesn't mean he necessarily means it, or even if he does mean it, words like... love may not mean the same thing to him as it does to us. But then I think, if he says it, it must be for a reason - maybe because he feels it, or maybe because he needs me to think he does.
[And then she does lift her head, a little. Watches Irene through her bangs, which are just a little too long, these days.]
It's not that I don't know he might be lying. I do hope is isn't. Because if he's just saying it to get something from me, then that makes me very stupid, doesn't it? Because I usually believe him, and because I love him, too, even though he is um. What he is. If it turns out to be a lie, then I can't even claim I didn't see it coming. And anyway, no one likes to want someone who doesn't really want them back. So of course I hope he means it. But it's not as though I don't know he might not.
It's just that. Either way, it's important to him. Important enough that he kept pursuing me even when I kept rejecting him. Even when I called him a monster, and told him I'd never believe it, and never let him in. Even when I made him mad, and made him defend his competition. Important enough that Helen and Deneve and all the other warriors are still alive, and important enough that he starved himself to keep me from being angry at him.
I guess. What I'm saying is.
I'm not blind. I know he's a monster. I know he doesn't care about anything here except for me, and that he may not even care about me, for all I know.
But whether he really loves me or not... it still has the same effect. He won't hurt me because he needs me, or wants me, or both. He won't break his word because it was my condition for letting him live with me, which was important to him for... some reason.
I don't know if it's a permanent... fix for the situation or not, but for the moment it's what we have.
But it's a delicate balance. Even if he wouldn't kill me... there's no guarantee that he wouldn't kill you.
That's why it had to be me.
...I think more than people think I do, Irene. I know I'm bad with words... but I do learn.
[It's far from stupid, which is the worst part of this really. Naive, yes. But far from stupid. She makes no attempt to set her jaw as Priscilla speaks, although she remains still.
If they lied about so many things, how do we know where it stops unless we find out for ourselves? is a fair point. The truth of it burns.
She listens, her head dipping forward as the words come, more truth, made all the more painful in the cadence of her voice, the raise of her gaze beneath overgrown bangs. What is there to say in this situation that Priscilla hasn't said? She'd underestimated her again, hadn't she? When she'd been dead set not to. And here they were.]
I don't think you're blind. But he knows how to turn words into weapons, and...
...I worry, Priscilla. And I feel helpless even though I know that this is the best situation. Given the circumstances...
[Oh, fuck it, just say it already.]
...it doesn't make you stupid. It makes you more human than many of us.
[Alright, just a little stupid, but:]
I underestimated your grasp on the situation. That does say something about me, I think. And I have always believed you to be very capable in the realm of learning - I wouldn't have bothered to teach you the quicksword if I didn't. Even if you had asked.
[That's only kind of true. You're Priscilla, she would have done it anyway, regardless. But yeah, anyone else she would have told no.]
...I worry too. I worry all the time. And I wish I understood him better... but then again, if I did, I guess that might make it harder to do the things I need to do.
Everyone's always so horrified that I like him, but I always consider myself lucky. Because I'd need to deal with him in some way or another even if I didn't.
[Priscilla drags her fingers over the fox's fur, lets it nip the tips of them.]
Anyway! I know more about him than most people here do, so I guess it's not that surprising that you don't know what I know. Since you'd need to know it to know I know it. [...well, looks like a bit of her lighter self has returned.]
[A little.]
[Because one of the things she knows, one of the secrets she holds, is his recent slaughter of that girl. And his failure to deny it when she suggested that he enjoyed causing pain.]
[Her quiet is not uncharacteristic, but she wonders how much different things would have been had she understood Teresa a little better - if she would have just betrayed the organization then and there, or if she still would have proceeded and been all the more sick with it. Certainly, she'd cared for Priscilla, but the great majority of it had been relegated to a dark little corner - fuel for the proverbial fire of the quicksword.]
[Everyone's always so horrified that I like him, but I always consider myself lucky. Because I'd need to deal with him in some way or another even if I didn't. /i> Oh, yes. She is well aware of the joy of dealing with him despite an intense dislike. A dislike that is now tempered by confusion and complications regarding his motives.]
He...can be very charming when he wishes.
[She offers this evenly, but honestly. It is undoubtedly true.]
It's unfortunate that you have to be in this position. [Watching the fox as it nips.] But I am glad that there is some measure of comfort. [She may mean the animals. She may be alluding to the feelings that she does not want to have to wonder if Isley possesses.]
...well, isn't that the case with everyone? You never know what's in anyone's heart. Not really. All you ever really know is what they say and what you think of that.
[...]
It's funny, isn't it? Senji never said it at all, but I never doubted that he loved me, even a little. Isley says it all the time, but I can never be sure.
Well.. I try not to spend much time thinking about it. I don't want to wear myself down with things I can't control.
But you know what?
[She lifts her head a little.]
I do feel a little better these days. I was sad for so long... well. I guess I'm still a little sad. But he does make me feel better most of the time, and even when he doesn't, it's more... being annoyed than being down, and that's much better.
[She hates him. She really, really does. Hates that he's the one to be able to lift even a little of that sadness. Wishes he'd take all of it, wrap himself up in a mantle of it and recede into the Great Dark Mist whilst choking on that sorrow, because he's the cause of half of what he soothes.
But.
It's more important that Priscilla isn't sad.
She feels weak for thinking this - for giving in - for even being grateful for his presence for a moment.
These moments, however (and Priscilla lifts her head a little just now as she's thinking this) are worth it.
Worth his presence.
She scratches lightly behind the curious fox's ear.
[This would probably be a bad time to voice some of her other thoughts on Isley... so she doesn't. Instead, she smiles a little, and nods.]
Thank you.
Being sad is very tiring. And I debated what to do with him for so long, I guess just deciding was kind of a relief. It probably would have been if I'd told him no, too.
But then I'd still be sad. Even if I were less um, stressed.
A little. Even though I asked for them because I thought Irene - um, the cat - might be a little...
[...]
...because I was a little lonely.
[She gives Irene - the warrior! - a little, kind of sheepish smile.]
A few months ago, I lost a lot of things all at once. The man I loved... and my closest friend, and... I wasn't as close to Clare or Teresa as I was to Senji and Arthur, but. They mattered to me. And then they were gone. Helen and Deneve left too, in a way.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 01:46 am (UTC)...it isn't Teresa.
I don't really have much to say about that.
[Not exactly true, actually. She could rant for hours.]
It's just that.
I don't want you to die. And I know you don't want to die. So... why would you ask that of him?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 02:03 am (UTC)----oh. Hrm. Not that she'd expected Isley to keep confidence with this. No promises had been made, after all.]
I--
[Pinching the bridge of her nose, exhales.]
--damn.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 02:11 am (UTC)...that wasn't a very informative answer!
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 02:38 am (UTC)[Alright, then. If she cannot be honest with Priscilla then there's no point. So she'll just start spilling. Might make things better, might not.]
It isn't that I want to die. And if my offer had been accepted, you may have thought I'd merely vanished into the Mist. It was not my intent that you find out.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 02:47 am (UTC)[Her voice starts... rising a little. In pitch, rather than volume.]
Why would you ask to begin with? I don't understand-- it's not that I think you had bad intentions, but--!
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 03:21 am (UTC)[She trails her gaze back toward Priscilla as she begins to emit what could fast be approaching fox frequency.]
What if he had reconsidered? Taken you up on your offer and you found yourself ...here anew with no memory of any of those closest to you that have already pulled you back from...
[She doesn't want to say it. But fuck it - that helps no one.]
...awakening?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-02 03:31 am (UTC)I'm sure I could manage it again.
[She watches Irene's face, her gaze rather intense]
But it doesn't matter. Even if he accepted my offer, he would never kill me. He'd never hurt me. That's why I chose that promise to begin with.
I'm not that selfless, Irene. I wouldn't ask him to hurt me if I thought there was any chance that he would.
[...]
That was the only time he's ever refused me anything.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 03:24 am (UTC)You're far stronger than I ever gave you credit for, and it's not that I doubt your...
[sigh]
...Priscilla..
[What's left of linefacing halts, and her features realign themselves to caution - fearful concern.]
I am sorry. I ...do not know, myself. What to believe. If he's somehow blinded you to his nature? If these [wince] feelings for you - feelings that you return...
...somehow truly color his actions. I can't pretend to like it, and this is not easy for me to stand by and [urge to hit something rising] remain helpless. There is nothing I can do for you in this situation.
[She's quiet a moment. Blinks.]
I should just stand by, though. Stand back. Trust your judgment. I paint myself a hypocrite if I do not.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 04:04 am (UTC)I'm not blind. I'm not sure why you'd think I am. It's not as though I don't know what an awakened being is.
Yes. I was... naive about him. For a little while. I thought maybe the Organization lied to us about him, like they lied about everything else, and I don't think that it was wrong, or... stupid to think that. To give him a chance, like I gave the other two. Because if they lied about so many things, how do we know where it stops unless we find out for ourselves?
So. I was naive. I know. But I do know better, now. I know what he is... or at least I have some idea. And I've thought about these things a lot, too, and all the things he says he feels, and all the things he promises.
Like how just because he says it doesn't mean he necessarily means it, or even if he does mean it, words like... love may not mean the same thing to him as it does to us. But then I think, if he says it, it must be for a reason - maybe because he feels it, or maybe because he needs me to think he does.
[And then she does lift her head, a little. Watches Irene through her bangs, which are just a little too long, these days.]
It's not that I don't know he might be lying. I do hope is isn't. Because if he's just saying it to get something from me, then that makes me very stupid, doesn't it? Because I usually believe him, and because I love him, too, even though he is um. What he is. If it turns out to be a lie, then I can't even claim I didn't see it coming. And anyway, no one likes to want someone who doesn't really want them back. So of course I hope he means it. But it's not as though I don't know he might not.
It's just that. Either way, it's important to him. Important enough that he kept pursuing me even when I kept rejecting him. Even when I called him a monster, and told him I'd never believe it, and never let him in. Even when I made him mad, and made him defend his competition. Important enough that Helen and Deneve and all the other warriors are still alive, and important enough that he starved himself to keep me from being angry at him.
I guess. What I'm saying is.
I'm not blind. I know he's a monster. I know he doesn't care about anything here except for me, and that he may not even care about me, for all I know.
But whether he really loves me or not... it still has the same effect. He won't hurt me because he needs me, or wants me, or both. He won't break his word because it was my condition for letting him live with me, which was important to him for... some reason.
I don't know if it's a permanent... fix for the situation or not, but for the moment it's what we have.
But it's a delicate balance. Even if he wouldn't kill me... there's no guarantee that he wouldn't kill you.
That's why it had to be me.
...I think more than people think I do, Irene. I know I'm bad with words... but I do learn.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 12:14 am (UTC)If they lied about so many things, how do we know where it stops unless we find out for ourselves? is a fair point. The truth of it burns.
She listens, her head dipping forward as the words come, more truth, made all the more painful in the cadence of her voice, the raise of her gaze beneath overgrown bangs. What is there to say in this situation that Priscilla hasn't said? She'd underestimated her again, hadn't she? When she'd been dead set not to. And here they were.]
I don't think you're blind. But he knows how to turn words into weapons, and...
...I worry, Priscilla. And I feel helpless even though I know that this is the best situation. Given the circumstances...
[Oh, fuck it, just say it already.]
...it doesn't make you stupid. It makes you more human than many of us.
[Alright, just a little stupid, but:]
I underestimated your grasp on the situation. That does say something about me, I think. And I have always believed you to be very capable in the realm of learning - I wouldn't have bothered to teach you the quicksword if I didn't. Even if you had asked.
[That's only kind of true. You're Priscilla, she would have done it anyway, regardless. But yeah, anyone else she would have told no.]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 12:43 am (UTC)Everyone's always so horrified that I like him, but I always consider myself lucky. Because I'd need to deal with him in some way or another even if I didn't.
[Priscilla drags her fingers over the fox's fur, lets it nip the tips of them.]
Anyway! I know more about him than most people here do, so I guess it's not that surprising that you don't know what I know. Since you'd need to know it to know I know it. [...well, looks like a bit of her lighter self has returned.]
[A little.]
[Because one of the things she knows, one of the secrets she holds, is his recent slaughter of that girl. And his failure to deny it when she suggested that he enjoyed causing pain.]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 06:30 pm (UTC)[Everyone's always so horrified that I like him, but I always consider myself lucky. Because I'd need to deal with him in some way or another even if I didn't. /i> Oh, yes. She is well aware of the joy of dealing with him despite an intense dislike. A dislike that is now tempered by confusion and complications regarding his motives.]
He...can be very charming when he wishes.
[She offers this evenly, but honestly. It is undoubtedly true.]
It's unfortunate that you have to be in this position. [Watching the fox as it nips.] But I am glad that there is some measure of comfort. [She may mean the animals. She may be alluding to the feelings that she does not want to have to wonder if Isley possesses.]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 08:22 pm (UTC)[At least to her. Not that she's unaware of the possibility that this is by design.]
You don't need to feel bad for my position, Irene. It's not as though I don't want to be with him.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-08 12:38 am (UTC)[If what he feels is a lie or not.]
You deserve better.
[And she's a little sick that you don't have it.]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-08 01:17 am (UTC)...well, isn't that the case with everyone? You never know what's in anyone's heart. Not really. All you ever really know is what they say and what you think of that.
[...]
It's funny, isn't it? Senji never said it at all, but I never doubted that he loved me, even a little. Isley says it all the time, but I can never be sure.
It's... irony? Or something like that.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-09 11:58 pm (UTC)A little, yes.
[Bending down to let Noel sniff at her hand.]
The less you doubt, the more you probably be sure of what is in their heart.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-10 04:14 am (UTC)But you know what?
[She lifts her head a little.]
I do feel a little better these days. I was sad for so long... well. I guess I'm still a little sad. But he does make me feel better most of the time, and even when he doesn't, it's more... being annoyed than being down, and that's much better.
I mean it's less depressing.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 01:56 am (UTC)But.
It's more important that Priscilla isn't sad.
She feels weak for thinking this - for giving in - for even being grateful for his presence for a moment.
These moments, however (and Priscilla lifts her head a little just now as she's thinking this) are worth it.
Worth his presence.
She scratches lightly behind the curious fox's ear.
What a fucked up turn of events, eh Noel?]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 07:14 am (UTC)[There's something there - in Irene's expressionless face. A thought, or maybe...]
[She doesn't know. Priscilla tips her head a little.]
Irene?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 04:27 pm (UTC)[Continuing to pet the fox as long as she'll tolerate it.]
Hm?
[Oh.]
I'm just glad something makes you less sad. Even if it is Isley.
[In a giant sea of WTF that's what matters, right? There's nothing biting in her tone, and she may as well be honest.]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 06:37 pm (UTC)Thank you.
Being sad is very tiring. And I debated what to do with him for so long, I guess just deciding was kind of a relief. It probably would have been if I'd told him no, too.
But then I'd still be sad. Even if I were less um, stressed.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 04:07 pm (UTC)You're welcome.
[Smiles, just a little. Stays her hand and rises.]
I suppose being sad for so long is much the same as being afraid. Tiring.
[Nods toward the foxes, maybe even the cat(s). It really is a small zoo in here, Priscilla.]
Do they help? With the stress?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-12 08:11 pm (UTC)[...]
...because I was a little lonely.
[She gives Irene - the warrior! - a little, kind of sheepish smile.]
A few months ago, I lost a lot of things all at once. The man I loved... and my closest friend, and... I wasn't as close to Clare or Teresa as I was to Senji and Arthur, but. They mattered to me. And then they were gone. Helen and Deneve left too, in a way.
...I lost a lot. And he came, instead.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-15 02:31 am (UTC)I imagine that would be ...devastating.
I'm sorry, Priscilla. Sorry you had to endure these things. And that you were lonely. You seem to have so many friends.
Some of it is beyond my experience entirely, and I find myself ...oh, at a loss for words.
Maybe there don't always have to be words.
[She smiles back - she's unused to it, never sure if it looks frightening or comforting. It could be either, but she hopes it''s the latter.]
no subject
Date: 2011-01-15 02:36 am (UTC)I don't.
[She doesn't explain that. Instead, she watches Irene's face.]
...thank you for coming. And listening.
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