Yes. And... it's compl-- [She needs to stop saying that.] My relationship with him is--
[...]
He asked me if I was lonely. And then he offered to alleviate it. And I said all right, but only if he promises that... if he has violent impulses that he can't control - if he has to kill someone... it has to be me.
[Oh. Well, I understand the loneliness that----BACK THE FUCK UP. IF HE HAS TO. HAFSKHAKSJ. IF? THERE'S AN IF? NO WORDS. NO WORDS. THAT'S A LOVELY IDEA. IS IT TOO LATE TO ASK THAT BOX FOR RESPAWNING INTESTINES? ]
Irene. It'll be fine. He isn't going to hurt me. That's why I chose the promise I did.
[She sounds quite calm about it!]
...in any case. It wasn't about his... eating. That's--
[AN EVEN LONGER STORY. She takes a deep breath.]
He isn't going to hurt me. He promised it would never come to that. So I let him join me.
[...]
My relationship with him is very um. [Here it comes.] Complicated! I guess I'm my own best bargaining chip. There are a lot of things he'll do or agree to... to be closer to me. It can be very trying.
But. I do love him. That makes things easier. ...and also more complicated.
This is about his impulse to kill, is it not? [Please let it not be. But. How could it not be.]
He promised you. His word is good? [She supposes it's possible. But unlikely. The idea that such a monster could retain any sense of honor was laughable to her not too long ago. It's only slightly less so now.]
[She's thankful again that it's voice and not video, though it's not impossible for Priscilla to feel the tiny spikes in her energy, flickering, a low burn before it's forced down and away.] More emotional blackmail, then. Are you sure that you're anything more to him than a ...bargaining chip? A means to an end that we can only begin to guess at? [Yeah. I've got guesses. For miles. You could pave a road to Hell with them, too, but none of them are good.]
[You love him. She's got nothing, there. Just a mess beneath a very soft sigh.]
Yes, it's about... that impulse. I can't say how good his word is to anyone else, but I trust his promises to me. That wasn't his first. And... he's never broken one. And he never denies me anything.
I--
[How to even start addressing that last part. She rubs her face.]
I can't read his mind. I wish I could. Then I guess I'd know for sure what I am to him. I know he says he loves me. And... I know he gets jealous... over me. Mostly of Senji, I guess.
I... go back and forth a lot... on whether I really believe he can love someone. I usually believe him, for a lot of reasons. But sometimes I wonder.
But. Even if it isn't love, it's definitely something.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-12-24 12:55 am (UTC)But I didn't know how to say anything, either.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-24 01:04 am (UTC)...
Is this an attempt to ...quiet the beast?
no subject
Date: 2010-12-24 01:17 am (UTC)Yes. And... it's compl-- [She needs to stop saying that.] My relationship with him is--
[...]
He asked me if I was lonely. And then he offered to alleviate it. And I said all right, but only if he promises that... if he has violent impulses that he can't control - if he has to kill someone... it has to be me.
[Yes, she said it.]
no subject
Date: 2010-12-24 01:42 am (UTC)You offered yourself as...
[Oh hey video. THIS FACE, MAN.]
no subject
Date: 2010-12-24 02:01 am (UTC)[She sounds quite calm about it!]
...in any case. It wasn't about his... eating. That's--
[AN EVEN LONGER STORY. She takes a deep breath.]
He isn't going to hurt me. He promised it would never come to that. So I let him join me.
[...]
My relationship with him is very um. [Here it comes.] Complicated! I guess I'm my own best bargaining chip. There are a lot of things he'll do or agree to... to be closer to me. It can be very trying.
But. I do love him. That makes things easier. ...and also more complicated.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 02:17 pm (UTC)He promised you. His word is good? [She supposes it's possible. But unlikely. The idea that such a monster could retain any sense of honor was laughable to her not too long ago. It's only slightly less so now.]
[She's thankful again that it's voice and not video, though it's not impossible for Priscilla to feel the tiny spikes in her energy, flickering, a low burn before it's forced down and away.] More emotional blackmail, then. Are you sure that you're anything more to him than a ...bargaining chip? A means to an end that we can only begin to guess at? [Yeah. I've got guesses. For miles. You could pave a road to Hell with them, too, but none of them are good.]
[You love him. She's got nothing, there. Just a mess beneath a very soft sigh.]
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 02:50 pm (UTC)Yes, it's about... that impulse. I can't say how good his word is to anyone else, but I trust his promises to me. That wasn't his first. And... he's never broken one. And he never denies me anything.
I--
[How to even start addressing that last part. She rubs her face.]
I can't read his mind. I wish I could. Then I guess I'd know for sure what I am to him. I know he says he loves me. And... I know he gets jealous... over me. Mostly of Senji, I guess.
I... go back and forth a lot... on whether I really believe he can love someone. I usually believe him, for a lot of reasons. But sometimes I wonder.
But. Even if it isn't love, it's definitely something.
That's... all I can say for sure.