[Priscilla goes quiet for a moment, head lowered a little, her hair in her eyes. And when she speaks again, her voice is softer, and a little shaky. She doesn't raise her head.]
I'm not blind. I'm not sure why you'd think I am. It's not as though I don't know what an awakened being is.
Yes. I was... naive about him. For a little while. I thought maybe the Organization lied to us about him, like they lied about everything else, and I don't think that it was wrong, or... stupid to think that. To give him a chance, like I gave the other two. Because if they lied about so many things, how do we know where it stops unless we find out for ourselves?
So. I was naive. I know. But I do know better, now. I know what he is... or at least I have some idea. And I've thought about these things a lot, too, and all the things he says he feels, and all the things he promises.
Like how just because he says it doesn't mean he necessarily means it, or even if he does mean it, words like... love may not mean the same thing to him as it does to us. But then I think, if he says it, it must be for a reason - maybe because he feels it, or maybe because he needs me to think he does.
[And then she does lift her head, a little. Watches Irene through her bangs, which are just a little too long, these days.]
It's not that I don't know he might be lying. I do hope is isn't. Because if he's just saying it to get something from me, then that makes me very stupid, doesn't it? Because I usually believe him, and because I love him, too, even though he is um. What he is. If it turns out to be a lie, then I can't even claim I didn't see it coming. And anyway, no one likes to want someone who doesn't really want them back. So of course I hope he means it. But it's not as though I don't know he might not.
It's just that. Either way, it's important to him. Important enough that he kept pursuing me even when I kept rejecting him. Even when I called him a monster, and told him I'd never believe it, and never let him in. Even when I made him mad, and made him defend his competition. Important enough that Helen and Deneve and all the other warriors are still alive, and important enough that he starved himself to keep me from being angry at him.
I guess. What I'm saying is.
I'm not blind. I know he's a monster. I know he doesn't care about anything here except for me, and that he may not even care about me, for all I know.
But whether he really loves me or not... it still has the same effect. He won't hurt me because he needs me, or wants me, or both. He won't break his word because it was my condition for letting him live with me, which was important to him for... some reason.
I don't know if it's a permanent... fix for the situation or not, but for the moment it's what we have.
But it's a delicate balance. Even if he wouldn't kill me... there's no guarantee that he wouldn't kill you.
That's why it had to be me.
...I think more than people think I do, Irene. I know I'm bad with words... but I do learn.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2011-01-03 04:04 am (UTC)I'm not blind. I'm not sure why you'd think I am. It's not as though I don't know what an awakened being is.
Yes. I was... naive about him. For a little while. I thought maybe the Organization lied to us about him, like they lied about everything else, and I don't think that it was wrong, or... stupid to think that. To give him a chance, like I gave the other two. Because if they lied about so many things, how do we know where it stops unless we find out for ourselves?
So. I was naive. I know. But I do know better, now. I know what he is... or at least I have some idea. And I've thought about these things a lot, too, and all the things he says he feels, and all the things he promises.
Like how just because he says it doesn't mean he necessarily means it, or even if he does mean it, words like... love may not mean the same thing to him as it does to us. But then I think, if he says it, it must be for a reason - maybe because he feels it, or maybe because he needs me to think he does.
[And then she does lift her head, a little. Watches Irene through her bangs, which are just a little too long, these days.]
It's not that I don't know he might be lying. I do hope is isn't. Because if he's just saying it to get something from me, then that makes me very stupid, doesn't it? Because I usually believe him, and because I love him, too, even though he is um. What he is. If it turns out to be a lie, then I can't even claim I didn't see it coming. And anyway, no one likes to want someone who doesn't really want them back. So of course I hope he means it. But it's not as though I don't know he might not.
It's just that. Either way, it's important to him. Important enough that he kept pursuing me even when I kept rejecting him. Even when I called him a monster, and told him I'd never believe it, and never let him in. Even when I made him mad, and made him defend his competition. Important enough that Helen and Deneve and all the other warriors are still alive, and important enough that he starved himself to keep me from being angry at him.
I guess. What I'm saying is.
I'm not blind. I know he's a monster. I know he doesn't care about anything here except for me, and that he may not even care about me, for all I know.
But whether he really loves me or not... it still has the same effect. He won't hurt me because he needs me, or wants me, or both. He won't break his word because it was my condition for letting him live with me, which was important to him for... some reason.
I don't know if it's a permanent... fix for the situation or not, but for the moment it's what we have.
But it's a delicate balance. Even if he wouldn't kill me... there's no guarantee that he wouldn't kill you.
That's why it had to be me.
...I think more than people think I do, Irene. I know I'm bad with words... but I do learn.